confessions of a self-diagnosed A.D.D. mom

i made a liberating and life changing decision today!!  but i think i'll start from the beginning...

in 1999, i started noticing i did weird things like ... counting EVERYTHING... i had an obsession with symmetry, even numbers, and numbers divisible by five.  yeah... even typing it, i'm thinking WOW!  crazy lady!  i did these things, but pretty much kept it under control. 

i dont know if it was the hormones or what, but after i had brady, these little obsessions of mine got worse.  by 2001, i was having panic attacks if my world wasn't even, symmetrical, organized...  and Lord help me if i was going somewhere that might be crowded... that tripped a whole separate level of anxiety!  my family was being affected, so i went and talked to my doctor. 

he decided i have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder... OCD.  solution- a low dose of paxil, an anti-anxiety med and i went to a psychologist that specialized in OCD behavior modification.  he was awesome!!  after nearly a year, i was doing great!!

faaaaasst forward.  2011.  i'm STILL taking paxil.  and after several failed attempts of not using it... i came to the realization, i just need to take it.  i don't have the issues with OCD anymore... just think back to the picture of my laundry room!!!  clearly, i'm NOT concerned with obsessive organization!!  i'm cured!!!

so then i got to thinking about my other "quirks"... and after all i've learned about Attention Deficit Disorder from dealing with brady, i started to realize... I HAVE A.D.D. (and... perhaps hypochondria?!?!) 

2012... i talk over this "epiphany" of mine with the doctor.  i've had the same doctor for 12 years.  inside his head he was probably thinking "DUH!!!"  but he was really nice... and agreed, i probably do.  being the responsible doctor he is, he insisted before prescribing any A.D.D. meds, i needed to go have the A.D.D. test done...

yeah... so i called, and that test was $600 for brady, but for an adult, it's $900!!!!!  um... pass.  my first reaction was that i bawled.  i really thought if i started taking some medicine, i could focus and be a better person.  i was really really upset when i couldn't do it!

i think that was about two months ago.

i was walking into my office yesterday... i had spent my lunch cuddling with sky (because i thought she was going to heaven) and making a project for ReInVintaged...  as i walked in, i thought to myself "wow laurie... you have ALOT going on right now!"

1.  job #1 that pays the bills
2. job #2 that i love and does NOT pay the bills
3. kids- a real lot of em
4. hubby- completely amazing and keeping me sane
5. pets- one tragically ill
6. house- in a constant state of chaos
7. 24 days of RACK- organizing it, doing it...
8. running around collecting things for the Pay It Forward a our church
9. adopted family from CAPS
10. co-ordinating the craigslist RACK projects
11. cookie exchange on saturday

wow... thats just a lot going on right now.......

which brings me to today!!!!!  i realized some things:

1.  because of my A.D.D. (self diagnosed of course!!) i start ALOT of projects

2.  God has brought an amazing person into my life who helps keep me focused and FINISHING things!!  ah hem... michael!!

3.  God has also brought people into my life who pick up some of my projects and finish them... sireana, mom, dad, michael...  because of them, ALOT OF STUFF GETS DONE!

and i got to thinking... if i didn't have A.D.D. would i get as much done??  would i still be me?? 

now don't get me wrong, i'm not one of these "tom cruise types"... i totally think God wants us to use medicine when appropriate.  but i'm also not the pill pushing type.  i don't think EVERY problem can be solved with a pill. 

so i decided.... my life changing and LIBERATING decision... I WILL ACCEPT MYSELF JUST AS GOD MADE ME!!!  i function just fine!  i get my job done at work.  i get everything (mostly!) done at home~ with the help God sent!!!  why would i want to change??  i'm going to see my PERSONALITY as God's Gift to me... not something i should be ashamed of or change! 

so... honey... this is it... you'll have to continue to remind me to finish projects.  you will mostly likely have to continue putting things away that i simply put down... in the wrong spot!  you'll have to listen to all my "save the world" plans and occasionally help out with one!   but mostly, just love me the way i am!!  i do!!