i was all set to be able to write this... but that was this morning... i've apparently gotten over my rush of emotions!!
my favorite thing about reading blogs is when i find one that SOUNDS JUST LIKE ME!! i love when people write exactly how they talk! and i love when i'm reading and i think "i do that too"! i think when we find that human connection if reaffirms we AREN'T CRAZY!! well... maybe it reaffirms that we are crazy and so are other people!
i think what i WANTED to talk about this morning is the struggle to have children. it's a topic that is so often NOT discussed!! it's like such a sensitive topic, people are afraid to bring it up. so today, on my daughter's 8th birthday, i thought i'd share my long road.... a little warning... this might be tough to read....
.............
i've never had FERTILITY problems. it was always a joke that i could LOOK at my ex-husband and get pregnant. my problem was STAYING PREGNANT.
pregnancy #1... june 1999... i remember i was so excited, i couldn't even wait until my (ex)husband got home... i told him on the phone. my mom was with me when i found out. it was a planned pregnancy and i was SUPER excited and terrified all at the same time. and i was starting to question if i was too young (gee... alittle late for that!!)... i was 22. everything was pretty normal. went to the ob/gyn... everything seemed ok. didn't hear the heart beat on the first visit, but i was only like 10 weeks and overweight so he didn't think anything was wrong. in august i went to south carolina for a week long teacher's conference. we drove. on the friday we headed home, i started cramping. by the time we got home 15 hours later, i was doubled over in pain. i called the doctor's office and they weren't all that much help. saturday was pure agony. sunday was MORE agony. the cramping was out of control.
here's the part i'll never forget as long as i live... it was sunday evening... my (ex)husband was at a meeting... i was sitting on the couch watching Touched by an Angel... it was the episode where Eric Roberts was running a sweat shop... crazy how we remember weird stuff!! anyway... i had this sudden pain and then a... swoooosh.... of relief, and fluid went EVERYWHERE!!! it's like i burst. and i FREAKED!!!! luckily my mom and step dad lived one mile away. i called my step dad and he raced down to get me to take me to the ER. another little thing i won't forget... he had a new car so i was super concerned i get a towel to sit on so i didnt mess up the seat!
the next few days were just DUMB!! our local hospital was completely incompetent... the ob/gyn was a train wreck... it was without a doubt one of the most painful, both emotionally AND physically, times in my life.
by tuesday afternoon, i was physically better... but that's when i crawled in bed and refused to get out. after three days of refusing to leave my room, my mom came over... laid down next to me... and said "laurie marie, you will get out of bed today. you will get on with your life. i know you're sad, but you will have a child someday. now get out of bed." i usually listen to my mom... and this time i DID! and my mom was right... i got on with my life... it was difficult watching people around me announcing their pregnancies... it was hard to be around babies... but every day i moved on.
a couple of GOOD things came from this difficult time:
1. at this time, i was estranged from my grandparents and that side of my family. but when my grandma heard what i was going thru, she reached out to me and our relationship was FULLY restored! that was amazing!!
2. during this time, i knew someday i would have another child, but it was during this period of my life that i decided i wanted to pursue becoming a foster parent. and we did!!
pregnancy #2... i don't know that i will go in to a TON of detail on pregnancy #2 in this blog... but i'll do a quick skim over!
december 28, 1999... four months after the miscarriage... we announced i was preggo!! woot woot!! something in my spirit told me this was it!!! we were building a new house, and we moved in february. we were taking all our classes to become foster parents. i was nesting big time!! getting the house ready for lots of kids!! at the beginning of my pregnancy, my mom called to read me an article about a woman who developed pre-eclampsia during her pregnancy and died... nice mom!! but not to worry, the article sited that only 5% of women develop pre-eclampsia. i wasn't too concerned.
june 2000, i wrapped up my first year teaching and welcomed our first sibling group of foster kids! sabreana (15), sireana (14) and kim (9)... they were only going to be with us a few months while they transitioned into an adoptive home in indianapolis. i was feeling good. my feet and ankles were the size of TEXAS!! i couldn't wear any of my shoes! my dad took me shopping and we FINALLY found some sandals i could wedge my feet into! my blood pressure was a little high... so my NEW ob (who i love) was monitoring me and had me on medication.
july 14, 2000... i was excited for my ob visit because the swelling was down on my feet and i wanted to show him!! yeah... he thought that was great, but what WASN'T great was my blood pressure!! it was THROUGH THE ROOF!!! "i'm sending you to the hospital for a few tests. they may keep you a little while. you may need to finish your pregnancy on bed rest". ok. whatever... i had seven weeks to go. i wasn't too worried.
we go to the hospital. i called my parents just to let them know. that was a friday. that night i missed the surprise anniversary party for my aunt and uncle. the next day, i missed my baby shower! and sunday, i missed the surprise 50th birthday party i'd been planning for my dad! UGH! nurses kept checking me and when i asked why, they said "because you're blood pressure is so high, we want to make sure you don't have a seizure". great.
monday, july 17. i'm gonna skip a lot... they tried to induce... that didn't work... i was fine with that because i wasn't all that jacked to push a baby out anyway! a c-section was performed and at 6:37 pm... my precious brady was born!!! 3lbs 2oz... 16"!!! he stayed in the NICU for two weeks.... just long enough to maintain his own body temp and take a bottle. he came home 3lbs 11oz! he was such a little peanut! i'll have to post pics sometime... he was so gorgeous! he looked just like a baby doll!!
pregnancy #3... when brady was two, i remember thinking "he's so perfect, i don't want to have another child!" we had adopted sabreana and sireana (that's a whole other story!!) i was pretty happy! but my world was about to be shattered... my (ex)husband of five years came home and told me he was having an affair. again... that's a whole OTHER story! we stayed together and after six months of "working" on our marriage, i guess we decided having a baby was a good idea. WHAT WERE WE THINKING!!??
december 2002, we found out i was pregnant. from the very beginning... though i had no reason to... i knew something was wrong. i knew it in my spirit. ob visits went well... everything was looking good! but still... something wasn't right. the baby just wasn't very active. brady kicked up a storm... but not this one.
may 18, 2003, we had just gotten home from a trip to nashville, tn. i blurted out "something is wrong with this baby!" that was a sunday. my (ex)husband said "you just aren't using your faith!!! but if you think you have to, go to the doctor." yeah... there's a lot of reasons he's the EX! so monday i called the doctor and got in right away. at the doctor's office he got out the portable ultra sound... and got that look on his face... and turned and said "i'm sorry, your baby is gone"... i think i already knew that... but to hear it was a crushing blow... like a punch in my stomach. i had gone to the doctor alone, against my wishes... so i made the call from the doctor's phone, "the baby is gone... i'm heading to the hospital..."
the first hour, laying in the hospital bed, i was alone and totally numb. later, there were "sorries" and "we'll try again"... but i was in a haze. NONE of that was going to bring my baby back. someone came in and discussed "the delivery". WHAT?? you don't "DELIVER a dead baby" was what i WANTED to scream. everyone would come to agree, i would have a c-section. i'm not kidding... i was in a TOTAL FOG!!!!
in the operating room, music was playing... i remember laying there... in a fog... my doctor was very kind... when the "procedure" was over, they were rolling me out and i looked up and asked "was it a boy or a girl?" my doctor gently said "it was a girl"... and at that moment, i realized "Butterfly Kisses" was playing through the speakers... i still can't listen to that song...
in the days that followed i was totally detached from the situation. i didn't want to talk about it. i didn't want to deal with it. she was out of me and gone. period. a nurse came in and wanted me to hold her. i refused. the nurse gently told me if i didn't at least see her, i'd regret it all my life. i agreed to see her and hold her if she was on a pillow. that's what i did... and nothing more. someone came and explained we'd have to plan a funeral. i said i didn't want to. we were told, after a certain gestational age, you can't just leave the body... you have to have a funeral. ironic given abortion laws huh??? so i looked at my dad and (ex)husband and clearly stated "i guess you guys have a funeral to plan... i'm not doing it" and i didn't. i was in the hospital until friday when i left to go to the "viewing"... still in a haze... i don't think i cried. i don't think i had any tears left... so many people came...
we had just left our church... and hadn't found a new one yet... so i asked our former pastor's son (also a pastor) to perform the service... i was so thankful for him. it was held at the cemetery. i sat in a chair. all our friends and family were there. my (ex)husband read a poem he wrote. i just sat there. i think there was a dinner after... i don't remember...
i don't remember much of the weeks following. it was a really terrible time for me... i remember being at the park with brady one day... he was such a joyful child... i remember crying there... my dad was with me... he didn't offer any superficial words of encouragement... he just hugged me and reminded me of the joy standing in front of me... brady. that was a turning point for me. my in-laws owned a house on syracuse lake... i told everyone i'd be going to the lake for a week... alone. i didn't want anyone to call me or be there. i needed to re-focus and get back to me. i took my beloved dog cookie. half way through the week, i let my mom come. we had a nice visit. by the end of the week, i'd planned for my parents, (ex)husband, brady, and two friends to come friday evening. i was ready for life again. my ex was late and only one friend came... turns out he and his girlfriend had broken up.... we sat and talked for a few hours... and all the burdens and pain of the past months melted away... i felt like Laurie again... i remembered i had an identity.
tons of cards and letters came. each one made me feel alittle better... and made me understand brenna wasn't forgotten... i put all my keepsakes for her in a box. pictures of her... cards... the dress she wore in the hospital... she was born into heaven on may 20, 2003... i've opened that box twice since. each time i open it i cry. but i know now, thats okay : )
pregnancy #4... i'm actually not going to write about this... this was brittin and i just did a blog about it... so you can read that!!
it's taken me... three HOURS to write this!!! and as i've written it, it's brought back a lot of emotions... reminded me how blessed i am with the children i have... how crappy parts of my life were... and how AMAZINGLY FANTASTIC my life is now!!!
infertility and pregnancy issues SUCK!!! there's no other way to say it!! but knowing you're not alone may help!! and for any women out there, if you ever need to talk... even if you don't know me... email me! i read after my first miscarriage "in a few years, YOU will be counselling women who are going through what you are going through now" that was hard to believe, but it's true. and if i can help just one woman... i'll be thrilled!
thank you for reading this super long and serious blog!!!! have a blessed day all!!
<3
laurie
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